Hey, I am just being honest. I engage to be engaged. I reach out to build a new connection. It is not because I need the vague general response. No, I get that I am after something more. I am often looking for a connection with another person who appreciates the advocacy fight I have engaged in. I want to show how I have survived all these years and be respected for it.
I carry lots of burdens. One is to see our business grow. I mean who wouldn't want to grow and expand? But, it seems every time I try to grow past where I am that I hit a brick wall. I feel all hemmed in and like my potential and creative force will never be fully recognized. As an artist, I feel if people saw the heart and passion that I create with, they too would appreciate our company as I do. Sadly that is not always the case.
It is these moments that take my heart out and make me feel it just got stomped on. I am left vulnerable and bleeding. Maybe you can relate! I am so passionate...I know this word get overused a lot, but I am truly a very deep feeling, passionate soul. Everything I do is done with the aim at being excellent. I can't be any other way! It is, I believe, that I have high expectations and therefore along with that, I will often feel highly disappointed...with life, friends, family, business, social media, popularity, etc! I get it! I get me and I just cannot change these things about myself.
I want nothing less than the best. I want to be good and to be good enough. This week I didn't feel any of that to be true about myself. I have lived a challenging life with my husband who has mental illness. I was forced to learn to survive on little to no support from family and friends. This is the thing that has hurt me the most. I needed more from people and I still do. I needed interaction but often got silence. I needed friendships and time with people who loved me and would help carry my load, but often I got the boot. My/our burdens were just to heavy for some. I understand that. Believe me, it felt heavy to me too!
And so, today, I feel slapped about by life in general. I feel rejected though nothing specific has aided me in that feeling. I just feel like I am not important enough...and this nagging feeling has followed me for years.
I know God values me. I would never have survived my life if I didn't believe in his unwavering, unconditional love for me. But I have missed that personal interaction with friends. I have missed being given credit for being ahead of the game. When life stole from us the opportunity to get ahead and finances were low, I learned to be thrifty and creative. This was long before it was cool and in style! And if I am honest, I'd say to you, this has kind of hurt me.
This isn't the only thing that hurts. The church never wanted to talk about mental illness, but now, some finally are. I am grateful that they are, but part of me says they should say they are sorry...sorry for not listening when they could have or should have. That's the high expectation thing. I know. I don't waste a lot of time here, but it does color what my heart feels. I have learned to be quiet and not demand that the church listen to me. It's a sad fact. I was never popular enough to be listened to. Or perhaps I wasn't gentle enough or... who knows. It doesn't matter. I was speaking when people didn't want to hear and it just plain feels bad that no one ever wanted to listen UNTIL NOW!
Forgive my ranting. My heart needs to vent. By opening up my heart and saying what I feel, I can move on, forgive all over again...and I can get a fresh grip on perspective. I am getting it! I accept me for who I am. I kind of like myself! :) I believe I am honest and loyal and truthful and I love that I can create and make a living doing it. God knows it and he loves me too... just as I am! I am enough for Him and today that has to be enough for me. Perspective, Joyce, just keep that perspective!
So, once again I take a step back to regain my footing. I mean... I stayed here most of the week and I am not proud of that. I appreciate my good friends who cheer for me along the way. I love when you take time to respond to me. I need it more than you may realize. I don't have good friends who live close to me. So thank you, each one, for being there for me when you can.
I accept, with grace, the life God has given me. I have said this is my motto, but this week I didn't live it very well. God certainly must know what I need and he must see what is best. I believe that today and I will work at resting in that!